i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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