Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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