I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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