I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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