i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My bed smells like the plague
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