Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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