shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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