Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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