I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
