At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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