i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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