A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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