Moan for me like Helen Keller
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
