Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
