i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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