in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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