you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
