Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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