Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
