There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
