She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
