Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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