Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
