So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
