During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
