why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
