I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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