i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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