So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
