When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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