she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
