My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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