I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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