Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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