and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
