If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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