May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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