he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
