i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
two words...techno handjob
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
