I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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