My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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