when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
