Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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