I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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