Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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