it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
