i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
