Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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