Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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