Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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