I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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