i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
