We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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