you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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