I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
