You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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