everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
