can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
