just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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