Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
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My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
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The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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