I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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