cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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