wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
