shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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