at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
